SCREWTAPE PROPOSES AN EPISCOPAL TOAST

SCREWTAPE PROPOSES AN EPISCOPAL TOAST
Part Seven

A Satirical Essay

By David W. Virtue
www.virtueonline.org
9/25/2008

My Dear Wormwood,

The Council of Hades is deeply concerned about your most recent actions. You seem to think you have scored a significant victory for our side by getting rid of that dreadful Duncan fellow in Pittsburgh.

You could not be more wrong.

All you have done is stir up the wrath of those fearful Global South Primates as well as inducing Church of England evangelicals and a handful of orthodox TEC bishops into standing tall for their frightful life changing gospel. We have just received word that the Pakistani bishop in England has called on the Archbishop of Canterbury to create and recognize a North American Anglican province that they might escape to!

On NO account must you let this happen.

Rowan Williams must not bend the knee to this vagante act. He must be made to see the big, long term picture, which is to keep everybody at the table “listening” and talking, but never coming to a knowledge of the truth. It is absolutely imperative that no one leaves the table. Talk, talk, talk, listen, listen, listen, but never, never under any circumstances let anyone say they KNOW the truth. If they do, they will be in hot water. You, my nephew, will be in even hotter water.

Prevaricate, prevaricate and stall for time while we come up with a more permanent solution and strategy to this disastrous situation.

As most of the HOB is firmly in our grip, we want to chip away at the remnant. We can only do so if they stay at the TEC table where we can undermine them with endless, gracious talk of inclusivity and diversity.

Your genius, Wormwood, lies in your ability to be as snake like as our father who is in Hades. Clearly you have much to learn. The more obvious the other side is, the more devious you need to become in order to conceal our real intent.

You need to re-hone your charm skills. That Bonnie Anderson woman is always laughing and smiling when she does her theological tap dance in orthodox dioceses. One should only get serious with those on our side, like Jefferts Schori and Beers (her legal pit bull) when they go for the legal jugular vein…then it is a fight to the death.

What has surprised us is the growing case of spinal strength we are witnessing from the other side. This is not something we had planned. For more than 40 years, we have managed to get them to draw lines in the sand and keep them at the table while all the while undermining them. Now all that is changing.

The stories they have been getting through the Internet have undermined our exclusive take and spin from such sources as ENS and ACNS from within the institutional structures. The Internet has been both a curse (truth telling) and a blessing (porn). We are still evaluating how to undermine the former.

The Anglican Communions’ ability to get and give information in nano seconds has truly undermined a lot of our best efforts. You will need to work harder, Wormwood, to make the Internet work for our side.

Rowan Williams’ ongoing silence about the Duncan deposition is a delicious abdication of authority and leadership. May his silence continue. If he speaks, one side or the other will clobber him.

If he complains that deposing this horrible creature in Pittsburgh was ungracious and a failure to find a way forward, the left will say he is interfering in their internal political and ecclesiastical affairs. He should stay out of The Episcopal Church’s affairs and mind his own business. If he doesn’t say something, the Global South will accuse him of abdicating his authority and failing to defend their abominable faith.

Keep playing up the necessity for a covenant, probably the most useless (but to us useful) document since the failed Windsor Report. Drag out the timelines till the year 3,000 if you must, but under no circumstance must there be a resolution to the Anglican Communion’s problems.

Williams’ dashing off to Lourdes this week looking for a miracle won’t save him. I must confess to you Wormwood, the High Council of Hades laughed themselves silly when we read of his flight to France. It seemed to coincide at precisely the same moment Duncan went down in the House of Bishops! You don’t think…of course you don’t.

Perhaps Cardinal Kasper who is with him, will give him some friendly advice about defending the faith. This could be disastrous. If he whispers in his ear that he should hold fast to catholic faith and order, he might just tell him to tell Mrs. Jefferts Schori where to get off.

On no account must Lourdes be anything more than a distraction.

Alarm bells sounded here in Hades yesterday when we read that awful statement by that fellow in Uganda, Orombi…it sounds just like bombi and it could do just that — explode in our faces.

He actually said that Duncan is still the Bishop of Pittsburgh and that he would welcome him as a future Primate of the Anglican Communion when a new North American province is formed!

What in Hell are you thinking of Wormwood? Undermine this man, NOW. Say his plan to eradicate HIV/AIDS in Uganda with their ABC program advocating abstinence is homophobic. Get the New York Times, Washington Post, BBC News, and the Guardian…anyone you can find, onto this story, but don’t let this moment go unanswered.

This Orombi fellow is getting more like that awful lion like Akinola fellow in Nigeria who has done more to expose our side and the intentions of the pansexual takeover of the church than any other Primate.

THEY MUST BE STOPPED, Wormwood. Your life depends on it. You know the punishment our father in Hades will heap on you.

Your blood will be the cup of his salvation.

END

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