frgavin on December 22nd, 2010

With apologies to C.S. Lewis

A Satirical Essay

By David W. Virtue

My dear Wormwood,

What a thoroughly splendid year it has been for us. The Council of Hades met last week. Your name came up as one who has singularly honored us with your ability to undermine, prevaricate, destroy, deceive and provide the necessary waffle and fudge that has kept the Anglican Communion going.

You should take pride in your achievements, Wormwood. A goblet of Pike’s blood was passed around the council table in remembrance of you.

You have brought clarity where there was only guessing and wonderment. You have made The Episcopal Church the Queerest Church on earth (as it won’t be in heaven). This achievement by itself will probably guarantee you a place at the council table within a decade or so. Like earthly law firms, you must first do the time before the elevation comes, but I can assure you that unless there is an outbreak of orthodoxy or one of those horrible spiritual revivals that occurs every so often when vulgar displays of public repentance and humility take place, then your place is assured at the council table. Well done.

The Glasspool election this past year was truly the icing on the fruit cake. Once again, The Episcopal Church stuck it in the face of Rowan Williams. He could only whimper that this would further strain relations within the communion. He wants The Episcopal Church to take a lesser role in the Anglican Communion. That will only happen when Hell freezes over and you know that won’t happen. Of course, they just keep laughing at him, or conversely get angry with him for not casting his lot totally with the church’s sodomites. Keep Colin Coward, Susan Russell and Louie Crew raging against the light. Their dark hearts are ours, all ours.

Our Father dragged up Hegel to dinner just to thank him. His whole thesis, antitheses, synthesis thing has worked well for us. Being neither hot nor cold, but straddling the fence has worked well for us. Make sure the fence gets new more comfortable saddles for the spring, Wormwood.

Also keep liberal bishops and archbishops preaching tolerance and beating up on Christians over so-called moderate Islamic mullahs and Imams. Nothing is sweeter music to our ears than watching Christians being persecuted and killed by Imams and their mob followers while watching liberal Anglican archbishops blast Christians for their alleged Islamophobia.

The one fly in the ointment that has our Father worried is the distancing of the Global South Primates from the more liberal and enlightened Primates.

That 11 archbishops will be no shows in Dublin is not something we relish at all. It will void Williams’ ability to negotiate the nonnegotiable. We loved it when he ran from room to room muttering “a pox on both your houses”, but he loved the whole game. That is all it was. The poor fool and those on his left flank who believe that G-d has changed his mind about sexual behavior have pushed millions into our camp. It has been a stunning reversal of 2,000 years of church teaching.

We especially love all the eulogies to those who have died of HIV/AIDS, this year, especially the one in Vancouver, BC, Canada, recently that likened the death of Peter Jepson to John the Baptist by an Anglican archdeacon. That one had our Father in stitches…the howls could be heard all over Hades.

Make sure that public scorn is continually poured out on those who believe in reparative therapies. Have the cries of homophobia shouted from the roof tops. Under no circumstances must those who believe that same-sex attractions can be corrected be allowed any place in post-Christian North America and especially in a post-Christian Episcopal Church.

Keep the “Listening Process” alive as pushed by the liberals, revisionists and the ABC. We want the orthodox to have it shoved in their faces till they fall over over in boredom or acceptance…(the latter is to our liking). You must remember that this is about desensitizing the orthodox so they just roll over. Listening is not about listening, but is about acquiescing to our side, Wormwood. Keep the pressure and the checks rolling in. UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES are you to give any ground to the other side. They must be force fed and destroyed if necessary.

That Duncan fellow dropped a bomb shell at that horrible Lausanne Congress on Evangelism in Cape Town, South Africa, recently, when he said that Jefferts Schori and her ilk were out to exterminate the orthodox in TEC. He was right, of course, but what a horrible revelation. We can’t touch him. Unfortunately, a great cloud of witnesses and angels surrounds him. Our Father grinds his teeth every time his name is mentioned.

The trip switch for 2011, Wormwood, will be the destruction of the Diocese of South Carolina and its bishop, Mark Lawrence. With the new canons giving more power to the national church than the sovereign rights of local dioceses, see that David Booth Beers is geared up to wreck havoc on this diocese.

Keep the pansexual mill alive in 2011, Wormwood. We noted with interest that the road to legalizing same-sex marriage has lead to the floodgates opening. Any and all forms of sexuality are now fair game for legalization and promotion.

Homosexual marriage was simply the thin edge of the wedge. Our full-frontal assault on the institutions of marriage and family means there is no logical reason to prevent other deviant types of sexuality from being recognized and legitimized.

So it was absolutely wonderful news to read recently that there is now a push to legalize incest.

The slippery slope, which was ridiculed and mocked by some on our side claiming no one is arguing for polyamory or incest, is now coming to pass. There are people all over the world pushing for these very things. They are happy to ride on the success of the same-sex marriage movement, much to our delight.

We noted with gladness that the the upper house of the Swiss parliament has drafted a law decriminalizing sex between consenting family members which must now be considered by the government. There have been only three cases of incest since 1984. No matter, Wormwood, once it is legislated in, there will be no holding back the floodgates.

The final sexual barriers are coming down across the world, Wormwood. We must make sure that churches, especially the Episcopal Church and the Anglican Church of Canada, which once followed the culture, will now be in the vanguard for total change. It is a triumph that only our Father could have dreamed of. Now it will be yours to implement.

I remain your affectionate uncle,


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