frgavin on May 3rd, 2011

A Satirical Essay

By David W. Virtue
May  2011

Sentamu: Man the drawbridge, Humphrey. The WOGS are attacking us.

Humphrey: We don’t have a drawbridge, my Lord, What you hear is the Press banging on the doors of Bishopthorpe Palace looking for an interview.

Sentamu: Why, Humphrey?

Humphrey: Well, my Lord, you told the Telegraph newspaper yesterday that you believed that sex before marriage was… ahem… acceptable…something about Prince William and Kate Middleton’s decision to live together before marriage was to “test the milk before they buy the cow”.

Sentamu: I was merely echoing the times in which we live. I didn’t exactly endorse it, Humphrey.

Humphrey: That’s not exactly how the press is reading it, my Lord, nor the evangelicals in the CofE. One Blog headline reads: “Sentamu Embraces Fornication, Williams Embraces Sodomy…Church Reaches New Bottom.”

Sentamu: Good God, Humphrey, I haven’t used that word in decades. What world have they been living in?

Humphrey: I’m afraid the word still has much currency in the Global South, My Lord…it goes along with sodomy not being acceptable either. Okoh, Orombi and company are rather against it, something about it being bad for evangelizing the sons of Mohammed, My Lord.

Sentamu: Good God, man, what are they doing telling members of one branch of the Abrahamic tradition they need converting. Hasn’t he heard of InterFaith Dialogue?

Humphrey: It’s worse, my Lord. You being from Uganda and all have truly ruffled the feathers of Ugandan Archbishop Henry Luke Orombi by your remarks. He is busy fighting the cultures wars coming from America. He defrocked one of his bishops who is now running around the country pushing homosexual inclusion in plain sight. It’s not a pretty picture, my Lord.

Sentamu: The truth is, Humphrey, I was being upstaged by Rowan who has imbibed the waters of sodomy. I was getting left behind in the sexual stream and I wanted to make a statement that would make young people not feel guilty if they shacked up before marriage…

Humphrey (interrupting): My Lord Archbishop, this simply will not do. You gave us no advance warning here at the palace and the PR boys are scrambling to contextualize your remarks. We’ll have to do a Rowan Williams on your behalf. We’ll suggest a Hegelian synthesis for your remarks my Lord…something along the lines of no sex before marriage…that’s the thesis part. The antithesis is only sex in marriage. The synthesis is sex between consenting adults in wheelchairs and those visually impaired who might need some time groping around looking for each other. I know it’s a bit of a reach, my Lord, but we don’t have to say if the couples are straight, gay or even bi. We’ll leave the media to ponder that. We don’t want to give the whole game away….

Sentamu: Well done Humphrey, but I really wish you wouldn’t use the “f” word…

Humphrey: I didn’t my Lord, I said fornication…

Sentamu: Of course you did.

Secretary: (breathlessly rushing into the room). There’s a naked lady on a white horse who has just crossed the River Ouse and she’s pounding at the doors, my Lord.

Sentamu: Who is she?

Secretary: She says her name is Jefferts Schori, my Lord, and she says she’s from America…

Sentamu: To the basement, everybody. Humphrey, where’s my revolver?

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